GRACE offers presentation for parents by international education consultant Sr. Pat McCormack
By Jeff Kurowski | On Mission
GREEN BAY — When internationally-known formation-education consultant Sr. Patricia “Pat” McCormack, Ph.D., does presentations designed for parents, she said she knows there is a question on the minds of some in attendance: “What does a religious sister know about raising children?”
Sr. Pat addressed that inquiry at the opening of her talk “Raising Resilient and Self-Reliant Children” on Jan. 15 in the Cathedral Center at St. Francis Xavier Cathedral in Green Bay.
The presentation was hosted and sponsored by GRACE (Green Bay Area Catholic Education).
“I’m not here as the expert parent. I’m the one who goes home to a quiet convent. My room is going to be exactly as I left it. No one has touched anything,” she said. “I don’t have what you have. I don’t have your stresses. What I do have is the time to study what you wish you knew. That’s how my work came about.”
Sr. Pat, a sister of the Servants of the Immaculate Heart of Mary (IHM) of Immaculata, Penn., was an eighth-grade teacher for most of her years in education. She noticed more and more students “falling through the cracks,” she said.
“(These) kids didn’t have to be failing,” she said. “I said to myself, ‘What’s wrong? This shouldn’t have to be.’ I took it to prayer. I actually shook my hand at the Lord at the tabernacle (and said), ‘Do something.’ I heard a little voice say, ‘I did. I put the idea on you.’”
That call for change led her to the University of San Francisco. Sr. Pat admitted that she needed to let go of any judgment of parents and become their companion.
Her studies involved 400 families, and she describes what she learned as a “gift I’ve been called to share.”
“Everything fell into place for me, which tells me it’s the Holy Spirit (at work),” she said.
To raise self-reliant children, it’s important to understand that “no” is a “love word,” said Sr. Pat, who is director of the IHM Office of Formative Support for Parents and Teachers in Philadelphia.
“Use it when it needs to be used,” she said. “Limits, boundaries, expectations, they don’t ruin a child’s self-esteem. They ground the child, so the child can have self-esteem.”
Sr. Pat shared nine definitions of self-reliance. The common thread in all is the word “you,” she said.
“In this day and age, we want to take care of all the stuff for the kids. How can they become self-reliant if we keep doing the work for them?” she stressed.
Sr. Pat addressed four concepts — security, autonomy, initiative and industry — that help children become self-reliant. Her studies called on parents to brainstorm ideas related to the four.
“In the end, I was sitting with these cards (from the parents). It was simple,” she said. “One of the parents said that when a child becomes a second-grader, the child gets their own alarm clock. It makes that child be in charge, self-reliant, use their own power. At every grade level, we can help a child become self-reliant. A tiny child puts out their own clothing, even if it doesn’t match. It doesn’t matter. Let a child make choices and learn from them. That is the basis for self-reliance.”
Sr. Pat said security begins in the womb and is established in the first two years of life through such care as changing the child’s diaper and feeding them when they’re hungry. Autonomy also begins at an early age. Sr. Pat warned the parents in attendance that to promote independence, you cannot cover for your children.
“If you go and make the bed behind their back, they know it,” she said as an example. “They know it’s not the bed they left.”
Initiative to do things on their own should start at age 5 or 6, she added. Industry is taught in elementary school for ages 6 to 12, said Sr. Pat, but “we fail at it too much.”
“There is another spelling for the word (industry), ‘w-o-r-k,’” she explained. “Who wants to work?”
Sr. Pat added that often parents mistakenly deliver mixed messages as they get older. “They are only kids” is used in some instances to dismiss self-reliance and “they are young adults” is applied in others to justify accountability.
Sr. Pat’s studies expanded to talking to young people in grades 6-12 for their perspectives. She shared some of her findings in her presentation.
“They know you love them, that’s your job. They want to know that you like them. ‘Have fun and relax with us.’ Kids said to talk about emotional safety. They know about physical safety. ‘Don’t call me names, don’t put us down, don’t make fun of us.’ Kids told me, ‘Don’t roll your eyes about us. Don’t tell our bad stuff to anybody. Don’t get caught talking (bad about us) to Grandma.’ Do what the Scriptures say. Say only the good things people need to hear. The other stuff, take care of at home,” she said.
Pre-COVID, Sr. Pat presented about 50 times per year. She said that she has 18 trips on her schedule so far for this year. The travel is difficult at times, she told On Mission, but the “work is so worthwhile.”
Earlier in the day, Sr. Pat delivered the keynote address and gave a second talk at an in-service for GRACE teachers and staff held at St. Bernard Parish in Green Bay.
“Wherever I’m invited, I go,” she said. “I’m serving as a principal at Sacred Heart School in Havertown, a suburb of Philadelphia, so I’m putting into practice what I’m telling you. God has graced me. I have new stories. I’m up to date on my stories.”
If security, autonomy, initiative and industry are developed throughout the elementary school years, the child will be ready for high school, said Sr. Pat.
She encouraged the parents to come up with their own examples of ways to help a child become self-reliant. Consistency is a key for the parent, she added.
“Be sure that what you say is what you do,” she said. “No double standards. ‘You need to go to Mass every Sunday,’ so do you and I. Tell them to pray every night, so do you and I.”
Sr. Pat, the author of books for parents and educators, explained that children will face some tough times and that’s part of their development.
“We don’t want your child to have difficulty. We don’t want your child to have to carry the cross,” she said, “but life has a cross. There is suffering, there are uncomfortable circumstances, there are disappointments. Resilience comes when (they) learn to deal with them, not erase them. We’re not helping them when we are saving them from all that. It’s better when we help them deal with the difficulties.”
For more information about the ministry of Sr. Patricia McCormack, visit http://www.parentteachersupport.org.
